Saturday, October 23, 2004

So it looks like it's official. I turned in my senior audit on Tuesday, so God willing, I'll be graduating in May after 5 years of college. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with this degree, and I keep waving back and forth trying to figure out if med school is what's right for me. I'm not even sure my grades are good enough. I have above a 3.0, but still. I'm just tired of thinking about it all. I keep wondering if I should go to the Career Development Center and see if they can find me an internship somewhere, maybe in a micro lab or in forensics. I wouldn't mind saying I was a forensic scientist for a living.

I'm just finding life so weird and strange after Belle died. I mean, I know she was a dog, and life goes on, but does it go on the same way after you lose something or someone you loved so dearly? It's given me this unhealthy fixation on my mortality. I'm not suicidal or something horrible like that, but I keep being fixated on the fact that, life is extremely short, and I'm going to die one day. Morbid thoughts I know, but I can't keep them out of my head. I keep thinking, what's the point? I'm going to be dead one day. I keep thinking it's like when you're a kid and it seems like summer vacation is a million years away. Well, summer gets there, before you even know it. I keep thinking that's how death will be, something you don't really think will happen to you, something you think is a million years down the road, and then suddenly, you've reached the last day of your life whether or not you realize it or not.

In honesty, I guess this is a result of not having adequate time to grieve, and this sudden questioning of God that keeps running through my head. The thing is, I never used to question the existence of God, or my beliefs in him. Now suddenly, I keep thinking, hmm maybe there is something to this evolution thing, and if there is a God who's to say I'm right? Is there only one way to believe in God, and everyone else is doomed to hell? And for some reason, the idea of a "heaven" where everyone lives for all eternity, where there is no beginning and no end, freaks me out. What do you mean no end? What do you mean forever and ever and ever? Somehow, to me, that's scarier than the thought of death. At least with death it's done.

I still believe in God, I guess I'm just questioning how I believe in Him. This is just a very odd, weird time in my life.