Sunday, September 29, 2002

Dreary has been the best way to discribe both the day, and my mood. I'm not exactly in a good place today. My anxieties are really my worst enemies, and they've come at me full force today. I just am feeling a bit of those old insecurites as of late, and now I'm questioning myself constantly. It's really no wonder with everything that has been going on around here. I mean, geez. My sister sure did have to go mess things up didn't she? She's not even living here anymore but yet she continues to turn life for everyone in this house upside down.
I'm looking forward to the upcoming season actually. About this time of year mom tends to get into her bleak, depressive state of mind about her family and the upcoming holidays. If anyone in the family does something slight to offend or annoy her (and heck some of it on her part is just an assumed action on their part to annoy her, I'm sure half the time no one even realizes they've done anything to piss her off) she goes off on her whole "I hate my family, we're not spending any of the holidays with them, we're all going to spend the holidays here!" Yeah that translates into, "I'm mad because of my disfunctional childhood, and I want to pout, so I say all of this angrily now, but when the holidays come I'll be kissing everyone's behind as usual." I know that's harsh to say, but god knows it's the truth. And plus that, after hearing it for the last 15 years (seeing as I can't remember much before I was five) you have to see the dry humor in it.
So the holidays will go on as usual. My aunts will get drunk and turn into the fire breathing dragons they usually are (okay to be fair, I'm thinking of one aunt really, not both of my aunts), my grandparents will be completely oblivious to this, and luckily for my sake make the holidays as sugar sweet as they do every year for us kids. My mom will probably do some of the aforementioned butt kissing, then start drinking with the rest of her siblings, making my dad drive home, as she declares it's a Wonderful Christmas. We'll get home, she'll start the usual christmas fire, with her homemade hot cocoa, and some music and a Christmas movie playing. Then, depending on how much she drank, she'll either wake up so nice it's scary, or she'll become like the aforementioned fire breathing dragon that is my aunt. Hmm scary, but I actually love Christmas time. What kind of a freak am I? Instead of being like my mom who is angry at the world, or like my grandparents who are oblivious, I see it all, but accept it for what it is, and have a good time in spite of it all.
So the real question is why the heck am I thinking about all of this now? I suppose I really will do anything to put off studying for physics.